Posts Tagged ‘just for today

fear and loathing in my corpus callosum

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You are not bad if you love alcohol. You are likely seeking instant satisfaction which isn’t always the smartest thing to do—but you are not bad. Many of the things you have done while intoxicated or trying to get intoxicated may have been bad, harmful, and offensive but you are not bad….

….So no condemning—not even when you do.

You can say, “Oops, my mistake. I forgot for a second there that I’m adorable and I love me. Sorry about that Self.”

You might feel sadness rather than anger when you think this way.  Sadness can be a nice healer… It often melts away unhappiness and leaves a person exhausted but feeling better.

Practice adoring yourself first. Then tend to your willpower and all that other stuff…

Precious you.

via On Self-Criticism | Beyond Rehab.

Something to try, maybe turn the  self-denigration down to about 7.  Would it be possible to put the past down until step nine where I might be more able to look at it with a kinder eye?  Shrug.  Maybe not that, so much as being occupied in the present more completely.  Completely present, and abstaining from paradoxes and such.

image by Parker L. - "alcoholic outsider artist" see blogroll


Written by xty

August 18, 2010 at 11:00

keeping the gift

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It’s the Saturday morning after my first week at a new good,  full-time, permanent job.  I lost my last good, permanent, full-time job as a result of  my last binge 5 months ago.  Since then I got a modicum of technical consulting work and managed to get and lose a crummy retail part-timegig. (I was fired from that job sober, something I’ve never accomplished before!)

I’ve had some miraculous support and have not had to leave my beloved mountains to move back in with Mom, and I’ve managed to keep my car as well as remain in a good sober living situation.

Back to the new job. Well, I guess the living situation too. When I first got out of treatment and arrived at this transitional recovery home, I had thought it would be ironic if I landed better off than I had started before I got drunk again and blew it all up.  Well, it seems I have.

I don’t say this to gloat, but in reverence and gratitude. AA is better in this town (for me), the home is the nicest place I’ve lived in a long while, and the job is way way better than the last one I had.   My counselor is exponentially better; so are my sponsors.

After work the other day, I went for a run and as I was stretching afterwards I thought it might be time for me to come off daily calls with sponsor S.  Isn’t that funny!  I’ve also missed meetings all week because I have to commute to my job and just didn’t want to add that on top of already long days.

I am of course not making any new changes, just one at a time. Right now, new job. I will make meetings this weekend and am definitely willing to figure out where I’m going 2-3 nights next week ,now that this week is in the bag.  Still on dailies with S.   I had lived at the Oxford House last year about this long (4 months) when I moved out. That is not anywhere on my radar today.

It’s interesting to me that my life is slowly being repaired, and  almost right away I want to stop doing the things that helped me get there.

Written by xty

March 20, 2010 at 08:25

Posted in gratitude

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going to bed sober

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I’m not keeping score today. Today I will go to bed sober, having petted my cat, talked to a couple of friends on the phone, gone to the gym and work. None of it was super or horrible, but I met it all and did the best I could. I’m a little bored and a little lonely and okay with that too. It’s another Just For Today day.

Written by xty

August 6, 2009 at 17:06

Posted in rote

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