10.20.09

Posts Tagged ‘human beings

the doorknob debate

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For millions of addicts around the world, Alcoholics Anonymous’s basic text – informally known as the Big Book – is the Bible. And as they’re about to find out, the Bible was edited.

via AA original manuscript reveals debate on religion.

Well, of course it was edited. It was a book manuscript.   Jesus.

As for purposefully de-emphasizing the “religious” facet of the Program, the directive in the BB to not talk about God too much or share the BB right off the bat is right there in the book.   This is not news. The publishing of the original manuscript is news; that’s awesome and cool.

In my readings I’ve been over all kinds of AA deprogramming/debunking material, looking specifically for  helpful advice about changing one’s attitude and safely steeping out from the AA sphere while continuing to grow and not regress into “white-knuckling it.”   For me, whether or not AA is a “cult” or “religious”  is as stupid a debate as a drunk figuring out if they are “alcoholic” or not.  The name is not the reality, the reality is the reality.

The only part of the “spiritual program” that sits wrong with me, for me, is the sheer bullshitness of stating “god can be whatever you want, god can be a daisy” then presenting steps 3 and 7. Could any rational person easily turn their will over to a daisy, and then pray to the daisy to supernaturally change their personality? Come on. The truth is God can be what you want for a while but the expectation is eventually one will come around to the Real God.  I personally have no problem with God as God or praying to God.  In a beginner meeting last week a new visitor piped up at  discussion open: “I am having trouble with the God part.” The room became home to an award-winning smug expression collection at once.  The woman was then cross-talked over and over about how there was room for all beliefs and non beliefs….but she would eventually see the light.  The obligatory “doorknob” statement made its appearance.  I was struck at how not open -minded the group is.  I saw sanctimonious dismissal and disinterest in a newcomer’s worldview and honest questions, and a blind assertion of The One Truth.  My acceptance of AA as a place of open-mindedness was destroyed. The only open-mindedness in the Program  is admonished upon any who think or act in any deviation from the written instructions or conventional wisdom.

The point is that I don’t care if AA is a religious cult or not. I care about its humanity and honesty.

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Written by xty

September 23, 2010 at 09:55

puerile mantras and self-respect

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Here I am in day 3 of tears, guts hurting, huge conflict and misgivings. It is astonishing how heartbreaking and fear-inducing contemplating quitting AA is, how identical the feelings are to quitting drinking:

Can’t live with it or without it. Maybe there’s a way to make it work. I’ll just try one more time…only on weekends….

…and no matter what transpires when I try one more time and it is a ridiculous frustrating experience it will be my fault and my defects and lack of willingness that caused failure.

Can that really be true? Is it a fact that everyone in AA is healthy, has a good sense of boundaries, is openminded, values helping others as if their life depended on it, is reliable and honest, except me? Is it also true that if I have a feeling that is pro-AA I am in spiritual light, and if something about my community causes me disturbance the only truth about it is there is something wrong with me? I believe that self-examination and humility are crucial to sobriety, but some of these black and white premises are unrealistic moonshine that undermines the program’s credibility to me.

Fuck.

An AA told me yesterday that “I have no idea what I need.” An AA who has had about 5 superficial under-ten-minute conversations with me. I’m turning to the handful of people who actually know me for support, but none of them are around in person and I’m lonely. Clearly I am troubled and need to work some things out.

I feel like I’m going through a horrible detox. I am going to visit a couple of churches, keep being mindful and spiritually focused as I can.  I have overreacted to recent events, yes. I also refuse to accept all my questions and thoughts and feelings are to be patronizingly dismissed.

After writing the above I am in the end able to see this :  I am indeed  hurting the most because of my own heart in the end. It is my fault.  I have wanted things to go smoothly, I have wanted compassion, support, and friends.  That’s why A A causes me so much anguish. That’s not what AA is for. AA is AA.  My challenge is  to be ok, at peace, and move forward.

Written by xty

September 21, 2010 at 15:39

transcript

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Me: hey. doing ok love getting first wrkday of week overwith…what’s the name of yer friens place in boca?
Sent: Sep.14.10-02.22.08PM
Sponsor P: Hi-just getting home sorry missed call. Wellness Center in Boca.
Sent: Sep.14.10-08.53.17PM
Sponsor P: I should be available later
Sent: Sep.15.10-05.52.29PM  (wasn’t)
Sponsor P: Just home. Sorry missed call. Sponsor P
Sent: Sep.16.10-09.28.52PM
Me: how late you up kid?
Sent: Sep.16.10-09.31.07PM
Me: hey.
Sent: Sep.17.10-08.05.34PM
Sponsor P: This is my life- sorry not available this week. Sponsor P
Sent: Sep.17.10-09.37.29PM
Me: this isn’t really working then
Sent: Sep.17.10-10.08.40PM
Sponsor P: I understand. I want you to be supported- later.
Sent: Sep.18.10-08.29.37AM

Written by xty

September 19, 2010 at 09:36

more about days

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Short version:  housemate called ambulance, later advised me I had drunk up about $250 worth of liquor, I did my ER-to-Detox dance….and got out Friday. This is Monday. I’ve been to 5 or so meetings, something like that. Hope I will be at work this time tomorrow night.

A woman opened the sharing tonight tearfully describing her Saturday that evolved to pick-up-a-bottle-of-wine mode….ended up in jail, so sad, saying she didn’t feel she even deserved to be the rooms with us.  What a heartbreaking feeling to hear, to feel, to understand the baffled sorrow that results from “doing AA wrong.”   She touched me so deeply as she spoke of her terror and humiliation of being put in a jail cell with “actual criminals,” hair done, make up, way citizen-looking.  I know to the cellular level how sad and frightening her experience has been.

I shared in sympathy about lying in the ER for about 11 hours, taking up a bed that a trauma victim may need…time that nurses could spend on “real” emergencies. Shameful to find myself there yet a-goddamn-gain.

I met a couple guys today I might like to work with as sponsor but wait, scratch that, T is already pretty much out since I left him a message around 4 pm and it is now 10 pm, no return call. He’s unemployed. He’s also off the list. I don’t do may-or-may-not-call-back people.   I’m not setting myself for anything I don’t have to – self-will,  life on life’s terms, acceptance yeah yeah, but knowing I lack in those areas doesn’t mean I can just be “well.” and “strong.”  No more than coming to in the hospital when I first drank 30 years ago this December showed me something that could keep me out of the hospital last weekend.

Written by xty

August 16, 2010 at 21:05

Sponsor R

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So much for Sponsor R.

Written by xty

July 3, 2010 at 07:50

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