10.20.09

Posts Tagged ‘hospitals

antabuse

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I told my Dr today that I was relieved to be on Antabuse. I am. It is an acceptance of powerlessness on a different level, a mechanical level, about which I have had mixed feelings but now do not.

I have drank on Antabuse 4 times – amounts ranging from trace to full-blown in my system –  and have been afraid or reluctant to use it again until now. I feel comfortable with it now. There are some ethical gray areas with this drug, or at least one. One can die combining it with alcohol…but one can die from just alcohol too.  The idea is that impulsive drinking is ruled out, and the several days required to clear it out of one’s system provide an opportunity for a return to sanity or a request for help.

The difference in my reaction can be described in how I thought about the possible inevitability I would want to drink while taking it. I used to think “Oh god I might drink on it and have that horrible reaction or at best have to wait days before I can drink safely, no way. Too risky. Too risky, I might suffer if I change my mind.” Now I think “Good no chance I can ruin my life again without an interval where I can run around telling everyone I’m thinking about that and throw myself on the mercy of…whatever…support network, higher power, common sense, a decision to watch all the seasons of Lost back to back in my free time while being monitored by friends…”

Does it matter what I think? I think so.

Written by xty

September 8, 2010 at 13:32

more about days

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Short version:  housemate called ambulance, later advised me I had drunk up about $250 worth of liquor, I did my ER-to-Detox dance….and got out Friday. This is Monday. I’ve been to 5 or so meetings, something like that. Hope I will be at work this time tomorrow night.

A woman opened the sharing tonight tearfully describing her Saturday that evolved to pick-up-a-bottle-of-wine mode….ended up in jail, so sad, saying she didn’t feel she even deserved to be the rooms with us.  What a heartbreaking feeling to hear, to feel, to understand the baffled sorrow that results from “doing AA wrong.”   She touched me so deeply as she spoke of her terror and humiliation of being put in a jail cell with “actual criminals,” hair done, make up, way citizen-looking.  I know to the cellular level how sad and frightening her experience has been.

I shared in sympathy about lying in the ER for about 11 hours, taking up a bed that a trauma victim may need…time that nurses could spend on “real” emergencies. Shameful to find myself there yet a-goddamn-gain.

I met a couple guys today I might like to work with as sponsor but wait, scratch that, T is already pretty much out since I left him a message around 4 pm and it is now 10 pm, no return call. He’s unemployed. He’s also off the list. I don’t do may-or-may-not-call-back people.   I’m not setting myself for anything I don’t have to – self-will,  life on life’s terms, acceptance yeah yeah, but knowing I lack in those areas doesn’t mean I can just be “well.” and “strong.”  No more than coming to in the hospital when I first drank 30 years ago this December showed me something that could keep me out of the hospital last weekend.

Written by xty

August 16, 2010 at 21:05