10.20.09

Posts Tagged ‘drunk

The Americans with Disabilities Act, FMLA, and God

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I’m damn blessed (yup) to have been welcomed back to work following my drinking a few weeks ago.  Even if I had worked at this generous and kind (one chance, which is more than I have a right to) company for longer than 12 months, there is no ADA coverage for absenteeism because one is drunk – only for treatment. For example, if I were sober, after one year of employment, and the only time I could make it to the only alcoholism treatment in town was during work, I could pursue ADA/FMLA intermittent leave and the company really couldn’t push back.

However, calling in the second work day of the week, drunk, advising I was out the day before because I had “relapsed,” or, more accurately, gotten drunk, and was seeking help following my contact with HR (which I did, gotta love that whole emergency room-to-detox process, yum, I just keep going back for more) doesn’t mean shit in terms of job protection. Ever. Now, the company happens to have a policy which does not terminate for job abandonment until 3 days have been missed no call/no show, but they also would be well, well within their rights to have told me “have a good life!”

It is just a personal decision on maybe 2 or 3 people’s part – who, I don’t really know, I’m guessing – that I was invited back to work. I missed 8 working days total – one out flapping in the breeze and the rest in ER or detox.

I really walked away from a plane crash on this one (in terms of safety as well, but that’s another post) and am blood-turns-to-ice well aware and stunned and grateful in “oh my fucking god I really gotta make sure this doesn’t happen again, I mean really really” kinds of ways.

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Written by xty

July 7, 2010 at 07:10

Posted in gratitude, relapse

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I drank some more.

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back after stint in detox….mostly I’ve just been struggling with cravings. driving past a liquor store just fucks with me. I can and do gain comfort, even joy, from so many things, so many, but that demon lusts with a ferocity unmatched…espcially given the bad outcomes followed by worse.

Did I drink because the devil wants to kill me? Did I drink because I don’t pray on my knees every night? Was it because of all those books I’ve borrowed and never even read, much less returned? Never did 90 in 90? A devastating paucity of of dopamine D2 receptors?

There is nothing to figure out. Only a grave, grave respect for this insanity and a prayer every moment.

Written by xty

July 2, 2010 at 09:12

Posted in alcoholism, prayers

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split seconds

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I even lifted my foot off the accelerator for a moment, slowing down and thinking maybe I would go in and get some cigarettes — and in only the haziest way did I suspect that this was a very bad idea.  My foot drifted back down to the gas pedal, and the moment passed.  Some miracles are tiny moments:  The deciding not to stop, the turning of a corner rather than going straight, choosing aisle 7 instead of aisle 8 — tiny moments, but no less powerful, lifesaving or Divine for their quick tick of the clock.

via Mr. SponsorPants: … ,Alfie?

This phenomenon can happen in reverse too, as evinced by my bike ride downtown on May 22nd, where I decided to turn left toward Main Street instead of right toward my home group meeting. After so many times. After so much fighting, so much surrendering, so many folks reaching out to help me. I have a huge feeling the thing is either random as hell or I really just in my heart of hearts love drinking so much I will always go back to it.

I guess that’s the point of the alcoholism construct: one has no choice at times. It isn’t about “getting it.” How scary.

This time, though, I am thinking….I didn’t do anything wrong. I did what I could, however awesome or lame, and nothing about that meant god punished me by “letting” me get drunk. I got drunk because it’s my nature. I had some very good non-judgmental support, acquired in my new town, and it made a big difference in my ability to accept I made a mistake, it’s not ok, but I am ok, and would be best served by moving forward.  As opposed to a morass of self-hatred-let-it-ruin-my-life-for-months deal.

Oh, and I’m not going to try to figure out why I went left instead of right.  That’s just what happened, and I know what I oughtta do and what I ought not do.

Written by xty

June 6, 2010 at 07:24

I drank.

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I drank. For a few days, last week. I’m sober now, and kinda pretty much ok. More later. Just checking in, as I am sure all both my loyal readers have been waiting with bated breath. Uh oh..will I change the blog name? Hm. I’m thinking no….

drunk lady in AA meeting

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There’s a woman who’s been coming to meetings drunk. This is hardly scandalous; I mention it because it seldom happens. It really is incredibly rare in the AA that I have experienced. Well I take that back – intoxicated people at meetings might not be too rare, I actually do not know, but vocal, obvious ones are.

I mention it too because it causes so many reactions in me. I remember when I was sober before and would be approached by panhandlers who were really messed up. They upset me and I wanted them to go away, and could be somewhat hostile if they were persistent or obnoxious. (I don’t know what my reaction is now because I haven’t been approached by a fucked up homeless person in a long time.) Drunk people provoke dread and anxiety in me. I don’t think that’s a weird reaction, I guess it should make sense that drunk people would upset me. But I’m still surprised. One would think I would barely notice them, that it is the most natural thing on earth to be around. It makes my skin crawl.

I am also – this amuses me – amazed that she seems to think no one knows. I mean,maybe she knows or supposes, but what she says doesn’t seem that way. She carries on like she’s sober and aims to stay that way. There are definitely times I “got away with it,” but not when it mattered, and certainly not around family or other alcohilics.

What disturbs me must be the reflection of myself. I do not want to look at what I have been for so, so much of my life. It makes me sad and angry and embarrased. And grateful as all hell. I’m praying for her; I’m praying for me, I’m praying for all of us.

Written by xty

March 7, 2010 at 19:25

Posted in gratitude, meetings

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