10.20.09

Posts Tagged ‘cats dancing

puerile mantras and self-respect

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Here I am in day 3 of tears, guts hurting, huge conflict and misgivings. It is astonishing how heartbreaking and fear-inducing contemplating quitting AA is, how identical the feelings are to quitting drinking:

Can’t live with it or without it. Maybe there’s a way to make it work. I’ll just try one more time…only on weekends….

…and no matter what transpires when I try one more time and it is a ridiculous frustrating experience it will be my fault and my defects and lack of willingness that caused failure.

Can that really be true? Is it a fact that everyone in AA is healthy, has a good sense of boundaries, is openminded, values helping others as if their life depended on it, is reliable and honest, except me? Is it also true that if I have a feeling that is pro-AA I am in spiritual light, and if something about my community causes me disturbance the only truth about it is there is something wrong with me? I believe that self-examination and humility are crucial to sobriety, but some of these black and white premises are unrealistic moonshine that undermines the program’s credibility to me.

Fuck.

An AA told me yesterday that “I have no idea what I need.” An AA who has had about 5 superficial under-ten-minute conversations with me. I’m turning to the handful of people who actually know me for support, but none of them are around in person and I’m lonely. Clearly I am troubled and need to work some things out.

I feel like I’m going through a horrible detox. I am going to visit a couple of churches, keep being mindful and spiritually focused as I can.  I have overreacted to recent events, yes. I also refuse to accept all my questions and thoughts and feelings are to be patronizingly dismissed.

After writing the above I am in the end able to see this :  I am indeed  hurting the most because of my own heart in the end. It is my fault.  I have wanted things to go smoothly, I have wanted compassion, support, and friends.  That’s why A A causes me so much anguish. That’s not what AA is for. AA is AA.  My challenge is  to be ok, at peace, and move forward.

Written by xty

September 21, 2010 at 15:39

craving The National

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“Once ruined, baby, you stay ruined” – The National, John’s Star

Listening to The National creates the desire to drink in me. I’m wondering how detailed to get here, and deciding to drop that so I don’t want a gin and tonic. It is, after all, Sunday morning, more perfect for drinking than Saturday night in my mind. Cravings can color a whole day or just slip in and out of a second like a mean but sexy cat, dancing.

I discovered the band while perusing pitchfork at a bar/restaurant in P-Town, overlooking the water and awaiting my new girlfriend, whom I’d met while enjoying my first beer in over 6 years the night before. (And she was, immediately, my girlfriend.) So, they are colored by that and having been a 2 year soundtrack to drinking. Even though I played them when I wasn’t actively imbibing, drinking was part of who I was during those years. Another recently discovered band, Rock Plaza Central, has no associations for me and I can be totally present listening to them.

There is no other music like The National, quintessentially 21st century and American, charismatic and not a little alcohol soaked. They are fucking cool and great; c’mon, their website is called American Mary, how cool is that?

My choice, then, of late, has been to listen to them selectively and not allow my mind to feed any alcohol leanings and see how it feels. So many of my favorite lyrics, I crave that too. Maybe I can rebuild this relationship. Yet I realize they may be ruined for me, just like gin and tonic, something else to miss sometimes, but for a greater good.

Written by xty

July 12, 2009 at 10:07

Posted in cats dancing

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