10.20.09

Posts Tagged ‘a path of no path

days

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This week I changed to 2nd shift and it is also hot as a motherfucker. I have a semblance of serenity but it is easily undermined  and  my meetings, interpersonal life,  and exercise are all compromised but I’m okay.

It’s all just days.

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Written by xty

July 27, 2010 at 09:23

Posted in shut up and paint

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I moved to the next state down to be 11 minutes from work.  This was a few weeks ago, July 4th weekend. (July 4th weekend must be my huge ass life situation change weekend. Long story. )  I am finding AA here more than amenable – in fact, it feels pretty good.  I’ve met some good folks and already I’m feeling centered here and not too afraid or lonely. I feel like I have…hope? faith?  There is not one but two As Bill Sees It meetings, a women’s meeting that seems pretty real….I will miss some meetings for a bit as I change to 2nd shift this week.  But there are plenty of other ones. A noon meeting I already know I like.

Besides being tearfully lost more than once, it is all going pretty smoothly.  I drove up to my old hometown(s) yesterday to get some objects from storage and my little tiny cat.  I was sad I couldn’t get a hold of her – she ran around laughing, then under a storage building and I gave up. But I got some pictures to hang up and a few other niceties. Being there was okay; I love that city so, but it is extremely close by and I like it here too, so the weird pangs didn’t have too many teeth.

Written by xty

July 19, 2010 at 07:42

shut up and paint

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Thinking my little head off. Yeah, I’ve been sorta prolific here now that I’ve resumed the blog….and also voluminous in my reading of other recovery related (as well as some 12 step bashing) material / blogs.  I’m enjoying the hell out of it, and I also think I’m getting some stuff out of my system that’s been clogging the spirit, if you will.  (Will you?)

I ended up with a rather scorching email from sponsor S yesterday; scorching but fair; scorching but also partly fueled by a little misunderstanding.  (I don’t have the whole story yet, may never, but  based on a few emails, it seems she spent some time yesterday under the impression I am friendthegirl over at my and your favorite anti-AA blog Stinkin’ Thinkin’.)  There was a suggestion that we may not need to work together any more.  I was kinda like “file under: Dag!”  but also, the fair part is that she is indeed right about one thing, the main thing, the only Thing really:

Talking about AA theology, culture, pros/cons, whatever, is completely pointless when it comes down to not drinking and aspiring to a better life for one’s self and loved ones. Fucking go to AA or don’t; fucking work the steps or don’t.

My friend Ian and I ended up at a coffee shop after an al-anon meeting this a.m., and I shared a little about this. I told him that I basically am where I’m at right now for two reasons. One, I’ve pretty much done it all and not done it all and either one of those has both worked and not worked. Depends on the day, year, city, throw a dart at the history map and hit an iteration of alcoholic life.  It has evolved to what I am certain is THE critical recovery attempt of my life. The whole ridiculous and heartbreaking saga has led up to this.  I don’t want to drink again. I’m totally scared out of my fucking mind.  I’m going to talk about what’s been in my head these past few years until I have finished talking about it.   If I’m wasting someone’s time, I hope they will say goodbye before they leave, but I don’t expect it anymore.  Two, I have worked a total of about 50 hours since October 2009 and the majority of that time I have spent residing alone in the coldest bad-weather winter I can honestly ever remember.   I burned out on library books; I burned out on movies; I’ve seen every season of any tv series I’ve been remotely interested in.  I go to meetings, I’ve taken up meaningful, suitable service work.  With all the other time, I’m keeping my mind completely occupied.  This week, with blogging bullshit.   (On top of it, I started doing it all on Linux just for extra complication….)  This week,  I have not thought about taking a drink.  So, although I have written and read and talked  more about recovery the past several days than in the preceding year and a half, in some way I’ve managed to shut up and paint.

Is it helping me be “teachable?” Am I letting go of reservations? How about humility? Is that around anywhere?  Not always, but that’s where I’m aiming.  I went outside to have a cigarette a while ago and it came to me that I must remember I’m crazy and I’m on a path of no path:  relax.  And I reminded myself that I haven’t stopped praying, whether I “feel” faith or not; that could be said to indicate I have some.

Written by xty

March 6, 2010 at 18:44

a formula of no formula

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One other thing about the Dzogchen path is that in it, we can practice what we need to practice. We don’t have to worry about if it’s this path or that teacher or who or what ever. It doesn’t matter. If we find ourselves in some teachings, we take the teachings.  We listen up.  We get the essence of the teaching, and otherwise don’t cause trouble with our opinions or need to be ‘right’ or what have you. So I follow this path.  I guess in a sense it’s a path of no path, but in a sense it’s a very clear path.

via When Buddhas Kill | the 12 Step Buddhist.

This correlates somewhat with “letting go” and “turning it over.” Just a slightly different way of ending up at the same place.   The title to this post on the 12 Step Buddhist comes from a good story inside another good story, which I’ll let you read there – I’m just going to study on the gist of it here for a minute.  What I see in the remarks above is a casual but elegant expression of what I think of as “wearing the program as a loose garment,” if generalized to AA, which it was.  Getting really bent about what’s really happening – instincts gone awry, lack of acceptance – is a cardinal trait of alcoholics, at least this one.  My desire (I hesitate to use that word, but whatever) is to let myself be more in the type of space described above:  being in the moment, with no predetermined idea of “what I need” or how it’s going wrong, or that it is a waste of time.  He is sharing the lesson, to me at least,  that we don’t really know what’s relevant, that relevant or irrelevant aren’t for us to decide. That something going “wrong” or “right” is something we invent.

Taking it all the way to the last statement I end up at the place where I strain at Buddhist thought.  It’s a real stretch for me to truly go along with things aren’t “bad” or “good.” Because they so plainly are!  I mean, I get it intellectually but…..what about Hitler, etc?  I must then also consider Bill W.’s remark that “no [one] ever made a worse mess  trying to live by this formula than  alcoholics.”  He was referring specifically to “the belief that to satisfy our basic natural desires is the main object of life,” (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p 71) which generalizes to “holding on” or “self-will run riot.”

The point being, let it go.  I think I’m even to the point where I’ve let go of letting go.

Written by xty

March 5, 2010 at 21:23