Archive for the ‘what the hell right?’ Category


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Many a newcomer will immediately feel comfy and cozy in the rooms of AA simply because the dynamics of the group mirror that of the newcomer’s dysfunctional family of origin.

  • Don’t think, don’t feel.
  • If you do feel, be advised that certain feelings are not allowed.
  • We know what’s best for you.
  • You don’t know what’s best for you, and we won’t even ask your opinion.
  • The family is correct, it is your feelings which are screwed up.
  • You must honor and respect us. You must be grateful for us. We gave you life. You are not allowed to be angry at us.
  • “Ouch! It hurts!” you say — “We’re only doing this because we love you” — they respond
  • “This doesn’t make sense!” you say — “Do it because I told you so!” — they respond
  • We will love you only if you do “this”, “that” or “the other”… we will love you conditionally
  • Don’t speak the truth — We can’t handle it.
  • Be sure to always pretend that everything is allright, otherwise the family will fall apart.

from AA Deprogramming

I’m almost finished with this tedious string of AA angst. I know it’s boring or upsetting to probably everyone but me, and why am I apologizing?  I notice my mind simply will not allow me to have these feelings, examine the Program and my experiences with it, without a sense of alarm, that I have stepped outside a force field and better scurry back in before my skin melts.

Pretty chilling stuff, that quote above.  It’s true – for the most part. Fortunately I have spoken with three people in AA that have been open-minded enough to allow me to be where I’m at without castigation or telling me without hesitation that I am an arrogant narcissist  who is judgmental and has no idea what she needs.  Three. I am blown away and very happy to report this has been helpful – I’m not 1000% alone. I can be rigorously honest with folks without them being threatened and retreating to knee-jerk one-size-fits all fundamentalism.

I see my language and tone has tempered but a little. I’m accepting thatanger and resentment are healthy emotions and responses sometimes. It is the longevity and handling of them that can be a “character defect.” These feelings will pass and I will have experienced reality in person and move on. I’m not throwing the baby out with the bathwater then.  As I said in an email:

“I realize the problem is definitely centered in me and what I expect in the way of support and friendship.  that isn’t what aa is for.  AA is A A.  Take it or leave it. Quit hoping to get something out of it besides what it is.”


Written by xty

September 22, 2010 at 10:35

fear and loathing in my corpus callosum

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You are not bad if you love alcohol. You are likely seeking instant satisfaction which isn’t always the smartest thing to do—but you are not bad. Many of the things you have done while intoxicated or trying to get intoxicated may have been bad, harmful, and offensive but you are not bad….

….So no condemning—not even when you do.

You can say, “Oops, my mistake. I forgot for a second there that I’m adorable and I love me. Sorry about that Self.”

You might feel sadness rather than anger when you think this way.  Sadness can be a nice healer… It often melts away unhappiness and leaves a person exhausted but feeling better.

Practice adoring yourself first. Then tend to your willpower and all that other stuff…

Precious you.

via On Self-Criticism | Beyond Rehab.

Something to try, maybe turn the  self-denigration down to about 7.  Would it be possible to put the past down until step nine where I might be more able to look at it with a kinder eye?  Shrug.  Maybe not that, so much as being occupied in the present more completely.  Completely present, and abstaining from paradoxes and such.

image by Parker L. - "alcoholic outsider artist" see blogroll

Written by xty

August 18, 2010 at 11:00

I drank.

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I drank. For a few days, last week. I’m sober now, and kinda pretty much ok. More later. Just checking in, as I am sure all both my loyal readers have been waiting with bated breath. Uh oh..will I change the blog name? Hm. I’m thinking no….

take two

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Take two on the blog. Since the last post I went back into detox and through treatment again at the same facility. (That would be take, I don’t know, 45?) This, then is the entry where I come back and point out how amazing it is that I can write about how glad I am I’m not in a treatment center and run myself right back into one less than 2 months later.
My inclination is to skip all details, or outline everything in a ridiculous post, and I think erring on the conservative side seems right in this case. Relapse is familiar ground, part of the process, etc. This is simply the icebreaker entry that I have been putting off, so I can maybe get back to it.
I often think it’s pointless to codify all this mental self-absorption, anecdotes, theories really, becasue it’s all transient and really because I can’t prove it ever mattered or ever will. It’s all transient and it may just be completely irrelevant if I understand anything that’s ever happened. (Except, of course, The Great War.) I’m going to do it anyway as a sponsor (1 of 2; they are named R and S) suggested it after observing my writing can make sense from time to time, whereas I talk in circles most of the time.

Written by xty

February 25, 2010 at 13:01


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The telephone haunts me. I’m supposed to call people, build relationships, not feel alone, have some contact, be known, and in general be a social animal.
I called three people outside of meeting context last week, “just to say hey.” That’s really about all I did. One of them was my sponsor, talked to him a couple of times. It was hard. I thought about it when I was running: “Hey! I’ll call X later!” only to put it off once I had the chance but wasn’t in running happyland, or promised myself the night before I’d make a call on my lunchbreak….

It starts with me not wanting to call someone and “bum them out” or complain, or hear platitudes, or be told to go to a meeting because, well, see below. So I think “I don’t have to talk about that, just make the call!” Then I make a pointless phone call and feel a little better for a second but I haven’t built much. They say this is simple, not easy, but easier is easier and I don’t think it is a bad thing to admit something is hard sometimes. Or, in this case, all the time.

And this whole thing would be easier if I were more extroverted. I wouldn’t think anything at all before calling someone! What would that be like? Know what, I might just try to be that way and bypass my brain. Because, does it really matter what I think?

Written by xty

August 10, 2009 at 16:46

the first post

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I saw an itty itty bitty ziploc baggie on the ground while running downtown this morning, and was reminded of pipe screens. My mind placed pipe screens in it. That was all.
I had been thinking about starting this blog while running, about how I have other blogs that I don’t want to “sully” with recovery as it would change their tenors and (non)purposes, and anonymity is something I believe in, and this seems to warrant its own space. Plus my friend Jen suggested it in response to a direct question and Jen’s cool and smart plus I try to take suggestions when I ask for them these days. What the hell, right?

Written by xty

July 12, 2009 at 09:51