10.20.09

Archive for the ‘prayers’ Category

moratorium on omniscience

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be careful, because the problem with clever is that when everything’s just fodder for the next punchline then eventually everything you take in is just a “yes, but…” and that’s a hard thing to have riding shotgun in your head when you’re alone and it’s late and you realize your alcoholism has been whispering in your ear for the past hour, and suddenly you are very seriously considering picking up your car keys and going out to do something very, very foolish

via Mr. SponsorPants: they don’t warn you.

The topic at the clubhouse noon meeting today was humility, acceptance, and the First Suggested Step. I confess I asked for it, and also confess I am pretty sure I have never in 20 AA years asked to hear experience on humility, acceptance and the 1st step. Always assumed I had it cold. Seemingly hundreds of things are coming together at once these recent weeks (insert several long boring stories here) and when my Hopefully-Sponsor-to-Be asked me to tell him about my understanding of powerlessness it occurred to me that the question seemed fresh for the first time in a long time so I’ve been thinking on it. There are so many things I gotta accept, mostly globbed together in one giant-ass pill the size of a Buick I foresee having to swallow.

On anothernote, this meeting also features the Quintessential Betty who makes me smile because of her southern oldtimer perfection, among a serious arsenal of AA archetypes; in fact, it is now also clear to me that I must henceforth refer to this meeting as the Archetype Meeting.

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Written by xty

August 26, 2010 at 19:33

The 12 Suggested Steps and the Set-Aside Prayer

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A woman at the Sunday night meeting referred to “the twelve suggested steps” glibly and comfortably during her share….I inferred from her delivery that this is how she always refers to the steps. I thought “I ought to do that, that’s cool.” but it is a bit pointed, and I already say something other than  “I’m an alcoholic.”  I don’t need to come off like “what a maverick!”  (I say “I am powerless over alcohol.” Because I have to think about it to say it and I hear it when I do.)  I think it’s cool because the Maverick in me wants to remember to lighten up and create my own unique-like-everyone-else Program, as I have often been advised. Then I don’t think I should go there because the Fundamentalist in me hears “How It Works” all the time as well as some Greenville favoritisms such as “the chapter is  not called How It Thinks” to “figuring it out is not one of the steps.”  How can it all be true?

Yes, here is the dilemma:

Part A: “rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path…..some of us sought an easier softer way….we beg of you with all the earnestness at our command to be fearless and thorough from the very start” (from Big Book, How It Works)

Part B:  The Twelve Steps are but “a suggested program of recovery.”  “Take what you want and leave the rest.”

Big sigh. It was recently suggested to me that I forget my omniscience regarding AA and sobriety and just start from here. Ok. Evidently it is just time for that because it makes a lot of sense.  I knit my brow at the conundrum above, but not for too long.  I have decided to do the Twelve Suggested Steps( henceforth TTSS) sooner than planned (i.e. right away) because evidently they work and what am I going to lose? I mean, can it get worse? (This wisdom came from Therapist K last night, sealing the deal on my conviction regarding TTSS).

In perfect solidarity I was reminded this week of the set-aside prayer, which I will make an effort to say before essentially anything from here on out:

God,
Please help me set aside
Everything I think I know
About myself, my disease,
These steps, and especially You;
For an open mind
And a new experience
With myself, my disease,
These steps and especially You

Written by xty

August 25, 2010 at 00:21

golden text

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Yesterday I reread my notes from when I was in detox a couple of weeks ago.  I also re-read most of the AA Number 3 story in the Book, which is what these particular notes were on.  Page 191: “Bill looked across at my wife and said to her:  ‘ Henrietta, the Lord has been so wonderful to me, curing me of this terrible disease, that I just want to keep talking about it and telling it to people.’ …This has been sort of a golden text to me.”

From that I took most note of two points:  Bill attributed his sobriety strictly to a supernatural act, curing at that, and the emphasis on sharing with others. The fact that AA #3 considers these points a “golden text” feels like something I should always bear in mind.

I heard a new AA cliche: oldtimer to relapser: “I hope you’re out of good ideas.”  Again and again I am drawn to the texts and pick up messages  that underscore the spiritual and service based nature of real sobriety.

Written by xty

July 14, 2010 at 07:19

I drank some more.

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back after stint in detox….mostly I’ve just been struggling with cravings. driving past a liquor store just fucks with me. I can and do gain comfort, even joy, from so many things, so many, but that demon lusts with a ferocity unmatched…espcially given the bad outcomes followed by worse.

Did I drink because the devil wants to kill me? Did I drink because I don’t pray on my knees every night? Was it because of all those books I’ve borrowed and never even read, much less returned? Never did 90 in 90? A devastating paucity of of dopamine D2 receptors?

There is nothing to figure out. Only a grave, grave respect for this insanity and a prayer every moment.

Written by xty

July 2, 2010 at 09:12

Posted in alcoholism, prayers

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I drank.

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I drank. For a few days, last week. I’m sober now, and kinda pretty much ok. More later. Just checking in, as I am sure all both my loyal readers have been waiting with bated breath. Uh oh..will I change the blog name? Hm. I’m thinking no….

new prayer

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A minister friend sent me a copy of this prayer composed by Thomas Merton. She sends me cool perfect things from time to time.

O Lord God
I have no idea where I am going,
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think
that I am following your will
does not mean I am actually doing so.
But I believe this:
that the desire to please You
does in fact please You.
I hope I have that desire in everything I do.

I hope I never persist in anything
apart from that desire to please You.
And I know that if I do this
You will lead me by the right road,
though I may know nothing about it at the time.
Therefore I will trust you always,
for though I seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death,
I will not be afraid,
for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me
to make my journey all alone.

Written by xty

March 3, 2010 at 09:16

Posted in prayers