10.20.09

Archive for the ‘outside issues’ Category

I’ll not be reading about naltrexone any more

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you can look it up, I’m writng on my Android phone, links are a pain.  This is what I thought the instant I began reading fourm discussions about folks’ experience with it: I can have Dogfish Head!  Then I thought: part of having a Dogfish Head is the alcohol whisking across my blood-brain barrier. Would I take off the pharmacological ethanol condom sooner or later? 

It’s not worth finding out.

Written by xty

October 1, 2010 at 13:29

once again, it’s all true

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Not that the element of freedom and therefore of sin is absent from alcoholism. It is present, but in a complex and obscure way. There is a mental element in alcoholism; there is probably a physical element in it in many cases; but a third element, the spiritual one, must also be considered.

via Grace Is Sufficient – Why Alcoholics Anonymous?, The Furrow, January, 1952.

Therapist K said to me a couple weeks ago (she works sometimes at the detox I was in twice this summer) she had talked about me some with Dr. V, my Dr there and now outside, and they were in agreement that I had a ton of psychological mess tangled in my alcoholism. ( I knew that, but I wanted to see how long a sentence I could write.)

It’s deadly clear to me – my decisions to drink are acts of violence, deeply ingrained self-debasement rituals. They are also decidedly medical; the physical aspect is most clear to me when I consider memories of lying drunk in the dark, compulsively picking up an empty bottle and trying it over and over all night, a genius of alcoholic sorrow.

The remarks block quoted above intrigued me – I may not have ever seen any writing, commentary, or speaker throw in a matter-of-fact reference to freedom (sin!) in the middle of an essay about powerlessness. I love it.  I believe it’s all true and everyone is right.  I am a real alcoholic, yes, but I have to live with what I could live with. (What I still could if the supernatural Santa Christ stops favoring me.)

The paradox is as comfortable and friendly as your neighborhood “make a decision.”  Which I say 100% not tongue in cheek. For real.  Even in powerlessness, I have to decide.

Which is spiritual sounding, so probably spiritual really.  Brilliant how it all comes together.  Seriously, though, it makes sense that this wheel of categorically ridiculous wastrel abject torment is equal parts mind body spirit. And spirit is moving itself up in priorities. I tried meditating today. I listen to zencast. I do the mindfulness thing all the time! Plus,   somehow I want to go to meetings, so I’m rolling with it these days. Disillusionment is wary faith for now.  I seem to care about others sometimes. (That’s another post.)

Written by xty

September 13, 2010 at 23:49

antabuse

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I told my Dr today that I was relieved to be on Antabuse. I am. It is an acceptance of powerlessness on a different level, a mechanical level, about which I have had mixed feelings but now do not.

I have drank on Antabuse 4 times – amounts ranging from trace to full-blown in my system –  and have been afraid or reluctant to use it again until now. I feel comfortable with it now. There are some ethical gray areas with this drug, or at least one. One can die combining it with alcohol…but one can die from just alcohol too.  The idea is that impulsive drinking is ruled out, and the several days required to clear it out of one’s system provide an opportunity for a return to sanity or a request for help.

The difference in my reaction can be described in how I thought about the possible inevitability I would want to drink while taking it. I used to think “Oh god I might drink on it and have that horrible reaction or at best have to wait days before I can drink safely, no way. Too risky. Too risky, I might suffer if I change my mind.” Now I think “Good no chance I can ruin my life again without an interval where I can run around telling everyone I’m thinking about that and throw myself on the mercy of…whatever…support network, higher power, common sense, a decision to watch all the seasons of Lost back to back in my free time while being monitored by friends…”

Does it matter what I think? I think so.

Written by xty

September 8, 2010 at 13:32