Archive for the ‘gratitude’ Category


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I moved to the next state down to be 11 minutes from work.  This was a few weeks ago, July 4th weekend. (July 4th weekend must be my huge ass life situation change weekend. Long story. )  I am finding AA here more than amenable – in fact, it feels pretty good.  I’ve met some good folks and already I’m feeling centered here and not too afraid or lonely. I feel like I have…hope? faith?  There is not one but two As Bill Sees It meetings, a women’s meeting that seems pretty real….I will miss some meetings for a bit as I change to 2nd shift this week.  But there are plenty of other ones. A noon meeting I already know I like.

Besides being tearfully lost more than once, it is all going pretty smoothly.  I drove up to my old hometown(s) yesterday to get some objects from storage and my little tiny cat.  I was sad I couldn’t get a hold of her – she ran around laughing, then under a storage building and I gave up. But I got some pictures to hang up and a few other niceties. Being there was okay; I love that city so, but it is extremely close by and I like it here too, so the weird pangs didn’t have too many teeth.


Written by xty

July 19, 2010 at 07:42

golden text

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Yesterday I reread my notes from when I was in detox a couple of weeks ago.  I also re-read most of the AA Number 3 story in the Book, which is what these particular notes were on.  Page 191: “Bill looked across at my wife and said to her:  ‘ Henrietta, the Lord has been so wonderful to me, curing me of this terrible disease, that I just want to keep talking about it and telling it to people.’ …This has been sort of a golden text to me.”

From that I took most note of two points:  Bill attributed his sobriety strictly to a supernatural act, curing at that, and the emphasis on sharing with others. The fact that AA #3 considers these points a “golden text” feels like something I should always bear in mind.

I heard a new AA cliche: oldtimer to relapser: “I hope you’re out of good ideas.”  Again and again I am drawn to the texts and pick up messages  that underscore the spiritual and service based nature of real sobriety.

Written by xty

July 14, 2010 at 07:19

The Americans with Disabilities Act, FMLA, and God

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I’m damn blessed (yup) to have been welcomed back to work following my drinking a few weeks ago.  Even if I had worked at this generous and kind (one chance, which is more than I have a right to) company for longer than 12 months, there is no ADA coverage for absenteeism because one is drunk – only for treatment. For example, if I were sober, after one year of employment, and the only time I could make it to the only alcoholism treatment in town was during work, I could pursue ADA/FMLA intermittent leave and the company really couldn’t push back.

However, calling in the second work day of the week, drunk, advising I was out the day before because I had “relapsed,” or, more accurately, gotten drunk, and was seeking help following my contact with HR (which I did, gotta love that whole emergency room-to-detox process, yum, I just keep going back for more) doesn’t mean shit in terms of job protection. Ever. Now, the company happens to have a policy which does not terminate for job abandonment until 3 days have been missed no call/no show, but they also would be well, well within their rights to have told me “have a good life!”

It is just a personal decision on maybe 2 or 3 people’s part – who, I don’t really know, I’m guessing – that I was invited back to work. I missed 8 working days total – one out flapping in the breeze and the rest in ER or detox.

I really walked away from a plane crash on this one (in terms of safety as well, but that’s another post) and am blood-turns-to-ice well aware and stunned and grateful in “oh my fucking god I really gotta make sure this doesn’t happen again, I mean really really” kinds of ways.

Written by xty

July 7, 2010 at 07:10

Posted in gratitude, relapse

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I drank.

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I drank. For a few days, last week. I’m sober now, and kinda pretty much ok. More later. Just checking in, as I am sure all both my loyal readers have been waiting with bated breath. Uh oh..will I change the blog name? Hm. I’m thinking no….

dead air

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I’m working again, an hour drive from the house….and the result, when combined with either a run or a meeting or both, is that I don’t really do much else. Really – I am a very non-multi-activity kinda girl. I’m happy and sober and there you go.

Written by xty

April 14, 2010 at 15:57

keeping the gift

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It’s the Saturday morning after my first week at a new good,  full-time, permanent job.  I lost my last good, permanent, full-time job as a result of  my last binge 5 months ago.  Since then I got a modicum of technical consulting work and managed to get and lose a crummy retail part-timegig. (I was fired from that job sober, something I’ve never accomplished before!)

I’ve had some miraculous support and have not had to leave my beloved mountains to move back in with Mom, and I’ve managed to keep my car as well as remain in a good sober living situation.

Back to the new job. Well, I guess the living situation too. When I first got out of treatment and arrived at this transitional recovery home, I had thought it would be ironic if I landed better off than I had started before I got drunk again and blew it all up.  Well, it seems I have.

I don’t say this to gloat, but in reverence and gratitude. AA is better in this town (for me), the home is the nicest place I’ve lived in a long while, and the job is way way better than the last one I had.   My counselor is exponentially better; so are my sponsors.

After work the other day, I went for a run and as I was stretching afterwards I thought it might be time for me to come off daily calls with sponsor S.  Isn’t that funny!  I’ve also missed meetings all week because I have to commute to my job and just didn’t want to add that on top of already long days.

I am of course not making any new changes, just one at a time. Right now, new job. I will make meetings this weekend and am definitely willing to figure out where I’m going 2-3 nights next week ,now that this week is in the bag.  Still on dailies with S.   I had lived at the Oxford House last year about this long (4 months) when I moved out. That is not anywhere on my radar today.

It’s interesting to me that my life is slowly being repaired, and  almost right away I want to stop doing the things that helped me get there.

Written by xty

March 20, 2010 at 08:25

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the unmitigated and felicitous joys of not having a hangover

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I called in sick today and was actually sick. (I am missing my volunteer day @ the Central Office) (And I’m not glad) What a feeling, like enjoying the hell out of having a cop behind me because he can pull me all day long, I’m legal in every way.

I have missed oh so many days of work in my life and I just wonder what percentage of them were real. I mean, yeah a fuck-off disastrous want-to-die hangover is sick, but it doesn’t count since I had everything to do with it. Being still drunk and needing to drink instead definitely doesn’t count.

Today I am nauseous – woke up middle of the night with it. It’s not a full-blown illness, but feels uncannily, creepily, like a hangover. I washed face and dragged my ass to the convenience store around the corner to get cigarettes I want like a hole in the head but have to have every few hours at least. Every second was torture, pretty much like being awake has been all day so far, only more so because I was up walking around. I though of how many times I had been standing in a convenience store feeling the same way, buying beer to get through the feeling (put it off, rather) or a Red Bull and smokes, on the way to what would be an Eternal. Agonizing. Day.

I’m still kind of in a good mood since I didn’t do this to myself; I am feeling like a real citizen. When I feel better I can just carry on again, not worry about where the hell my car and the 300 dollars I had are. What a trip. This is cool.

Written by xty

March 12, 2010 at 13:58

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