10.20.09

Archive for August 2010

moratorium on omniscience

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be careful, because the problem with clever is that when everything’s just fodder for the next punchline then eventually everything you take in is just a “yes, but…” and that’s a hard thing to have riding shotgun in your head when you’re alone and it’s late and you realize your alcoholism has been whispering in your ear for the past hour, and suddenly you are very seriously considering picking up your car keys and going out to do something very, very foolish

via Mr. SponsorPants: they don’t warn you.

The topic at the clubhouse noon meeting today was humility, acceptance, and the First Suggested Step. I confess I asked for it, and also confess I am pretty sure I have never in 20 AA years asked to hear experience on humility, acceptance and the 1st step. Always assumed I had it cold. Seemingly hundreds of things are coming together at once these recent weeks (insert several long boring stories here) and when my Hopefully-Sponsor-to-Be asked me to tell him about my understanding of powerlessness it occurred to me that the question seemed fresh for the first time in a long time so I’ve been thinking on it. There are so many things I gotta accept, mostly globbed together in one giant-ass pill the size of a Buick I foresee having to swallow.

On anothernote, this meeting also features the Quintessential Betty who makes me smile because of her southern oldtimer perfection, among a serious arsenal of AA archetypes; in fact, it is now also clear to me that I must henceforth refer to this meeting as the Archetype Meeting.

Written by xty

August 26, 2010 at 19:33

The 12 Suggested Steps and the Set-Aside Prayer

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A woman at the Sunday night meeting referred to “the twelve suggested steps” glibly and comfortably during her share….I inferred from her delivery that this is how she always refers to the steps. I thought “I ought to do that, that’s cool.” but it is a bit pointed, and I already say something other than  “I’m an alcoholic.”  I don’t need to come off like “what a maverick!”  (I say “I am powerless over alcohol.” Because I have to think about it to say it and I hear it when I do.)  I think it’s cool because the Maverick in me wants to remember to lighten up and create my own unique-like-everyone-else Program, as I have often been advised. Then I don’t think I should go there because the Fundamentalist in me hears “How It Works” all the time as well as some Greenville favoritisms such as “the chapter is  not called How It Thinks” to “figuring it out is not one of the steps.”  How can it all be true?

Yes, here is the dilemma:

Part A: “rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path…..some of us sought an easier softer way….we beg of you with all the earnestness at our command to be fearless and thorough from the very start” (from Big Book, How It Works)

Part B:  The Twelve Steps are but “a suggested program of recovery.”  “Take what you want and leave the rest.”

Big sigh. It was recently suggested to me that I forget my omniscience regarding AA and sobriety and just start from here. Ok. Evidently it is just time for that because it makes a lot of sense.  I knit my brow at the conundrum above, but not for too long.  I have decided to do the Twelve Suggested Steps( henceforth TTSS) sooner than planned (i.e. right away) because evidently they work and what am I going to lose? I mean, can it get worse? (This wisdom came from Therapist K last night, sealing the deal on my conviction regarding TTSS).

In perfect solidarity I was reminded this week of the set-aside prayer, which I will make an effort to say before essentially anything from here on out:

God,
Please help me set aside
Everything I think I know
About myself, my disease,
These steps, and especially You;
For an open mind
And a new experience
With myself, my disease,
These steps and especially You

Written by xty

August 25, 2010 at 00:21

surreal

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this blog breaks my heart.

Written by xty

August 24, 2010 at 23:47

Posted in alcoholism

fear and loathing in my corpus callosum

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You are not bad if you love alcohol. You are likely seeking instant satisfaction which isn’t always the smartest thing to do—but you are not bad. Many of the things you have done while intoxicated or trying to get intoxicated may have been bad, harmful, and offensive but you are not bad….

….So no condemning—not even when you do.

You can say, “Oops, my mistake. I forgot for a second there that I’m adorable and I love me. Sorry about that Self.”

You might feel sadness rather than anger when you think this way.  Sadness can be a nice healer… It often melts away unhappiness and leaves a person exhausted but feeling better.

Practice adoring yourself first. Then tend to your willpower and all that other stuff…

Precious you.

via On Self-Criticism | Beyond Rehab.

Something to try, maybe turn the  self-denigration down to about 7.  Would it be possible to put the past down until step nine where I might be more able to look at it with a kinder eye?  Shrug.  Maybe not that, so much as being occupied in the present more completely.  Completely present, and abstaining from paradoxes and such.

image by Parker L. - "alcoholic outsider artist" see blogroll

Written by xty

August 18, 2010 at 11:00

more about days

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Short version:  housemate called ambulance, later advised me I had drunk up about $250 worth of liquor, I did my ER-to-Detox dance….and got out Friday. This is Monday. I’ve been to 5 or so meetings, something like that. Hope I will be at work this time tomorrow night.

A woman opened the sharing tonight tearfully describing her Saturday that evolved to pick-up-a-bottle-of-wine mode….ended up in jail, so sad, saying she didn’t feel she even deserved to be the rooms with us.  What a heartbreaking feeling to hear, to feel, to understand the baffled sorrow that results from “doing AA wrong.”   She touched me so deeply as she spoke of her terror and humiliation of being put in a jail cell with “actual criminals,” hair done, make up, way citizen-looking.  I know to the cellular level how sad and frightening her experience has been.

I shared in sympathy about lying in the ER for about 11 hours, taking up a bed that a trauma victim may need…time that nurses could spend on “real” emergencies. Shameful to find myself there yet a-goddamn-gain.

I met a couple guys today I might like to work with as sponsor but wait, scratch that, T is already pretty much out since I left him a message around 4 pm and it is now 10 pm, no return call. He’s unemployed. He’s also off the list. I don’t do may-or-may-not-call-back people.   I’m not setting myself for anything I don’t have to – self-will,  life on life’s terms, acceptance yeah yeah, but knowing I lack in those areas doesn’t mean I can just be “well.” and “strong.”  No more than coming to in the hospital when I first drank 30 years ago this December showed me something that could keep me out of the hospital last weekend.

Written by xty

August 16, 2010 at 21:05