10.20.09

Archive for July 2010

days

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This week I changed to 2nd shift and it is also hot as a motherfucker. I have a semblance of serenity but it is easily undermined  and  my meetings, interpersonal life,  and exercise are all compromised but I’m okay.

It’s all just days.

Written by xty

July 27, 2010 at 09:23

Posted in shut up and paint

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new

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I moved to the next state down to be 11 minutes from work.  This was a few weeks ago, July 4th weekend. (July 4th weekend must be my huge ass life situation change weekend. Long story. )  I am finding AA here more than amenable – in fact, it feels pretty good.  I’ve met some good folks and already I’m feeling centered here and not too afraid or lonely. I feel like I have…hope? faith?  There is not one but two As Bill Sees It meetings, a women’s meeting that seems pretty real….I will miss some meetings for a bit as I change to 2nd shift this week.  But there are plenty of other ones. A noon meeting I already know I like.

Besides being tearfully lost more than once, it is all going pretty smoothly.  I drove up to my old hometown(s) yesterday to get some objects from storage and my little tiny cat.  I was sad I couldn’t get a hold of her – she ran around laughing, then under a storage building and I gave up. But I got some pictures to hang up and a few other niceties. Being there was okay; I love that city so, but it is extremely close by and I like it here too, so the weird pangs didn’t have too many teeth.

Written by xty

July 19, 2010 at 07:42

golden text

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Yesterday I reread my notes from when I was in detox a couple of weeks ago.  I also re-read most of the AA Number 3 story in the Book, which is what these particular notes were on.  Page 191: “Bill looked across at my wife and said to her:  ‘ Henrietta, the Lord has been so wonderful to me, curing me of this terrible disease, that I just want to keep talking about it and telling it to people.’ …This has been sort of a golden text to me.”

From that I took most note of two points:  Bill attributed his sobriety strictly to a supernatural act, curing at that, and the emphasis on sharing with others. The fact that AA #3 considers these points a “golden text” feels like something I should always bear in mind.

I heard a new AA cliche: oldtimer to relapser: “I hope you’re out of good ideas.”  Again and again I am drawn to the texts and pick up messages  that underscore the spiritual and service based nature of real sobriety.

Written by xty

July 14, 2010 at 07:19

The Americans with Disabilities Act, FMLA, and God

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I’m damn blessed (yup) to have been welcomed back to work following my drinking a few weeks ago.  Even if I had worked at this generous and kind (one chance, which is more than I have a right to) company for longer than 12 months, there is no ADA coverage for absenteeism because one is drunk – only for treatment. For example, if I were sober, after one year of employment, and the only time I could make it to the only alcoholism treatment in town was during work, I could pursue ADA/FMLA intermittent leave and the company really couldn’t push back.

However, calling in the second work day of the week, drunk, advising I was out the day before because I had “relapsed,” or, more accurately, gotten drunk, and was seeking help following my contact with HR (which I did, gotta love that whole emergency room-to-detox process, yum, I just keep going back for more) doesn’t mean shit in terms of job protection. Ever. Now, the company happens to have a policy which does not terminate for job abandonment until 3 days have been missed no call/no show, but they also would be well, well within their rights to have told me “have a good life!”

It is just a personal decision on maybe 2 or 3 people’s part – who, I don’t really know, I’m guessing – that I was invited back to work. I missed 8 working days total – one out flapping in the breeze and the rest in ER or detox.

I really walked away from a plane crash on this one (in terms of safety as well, but that’s another post) and am blood-turns-to-ice well aware and stunned and grateful in “oh my fucking god I really gotta make sure this doesn’t happen again, I mean really really” kinds of ways.

Written by xty

July 7, 2010 at 07:10

Posted in gratitude, relapse

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Sponsor R

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So much for Sponsor R.

Written by xty

July 3, 2010 at 07:50

Posted in in no category

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I drank some more.

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back after stint in detox….mostly I’ve just been struggling with cravings. driving past a liquor store just fucks with me. I can and do gain comfort, even joy, from so many things, so many, but that demon lusts with a ferocity unmatched…espcially given the bad outcomes followed by worse.

Did I drink because the devil wants to kill me? Did I drink because I don’t pray on my knees every night? Was it because of all those books I’ve borrowed and never even read, much less returned? Never did 90 in 90? A devastating paucity of of dopamine D2 receptors?

There is nothing to figure out. Only a grave, grave respect for this insanity and a prayer every moment.

Written by xty

July 2, 2010 at 09:12

Posted in alcoholism, prayers

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