10.20.09

split seconds

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I even lifted my foot off the accelerator for a moment, slowing down and thinking maybe I would go in and get some cigarettes — and in only the haziest way did I suspect that this was a very bad idea.  My foot drifted back down to the gas pedal, and the moment passed.  Some miracles are tiny moments:  The deciding not to stop, the turning of a corner rather than going straight, choosing aisle 7 instead of aisle 8 — tiny moments, but no less powerful, lifesaving or Divine for their quick tick of the clock.

via Mr. SponsorPants: … ,Alfie?

This phenomenon can happen in reverse too, as evinced by my bike ride downtown on May 22nd, where I decided to turn left toward Main Street instead of right toward my home group meeting. After so many times. After so much fighting, so much surrendering, so many folks reaching out to help me. I have a huge feeling the thing is either random as hell or I really just in my heart of hearts love drinking so much I will always go back to it.

I guess that’s the point of the alcoholism construct: one has no choice at times. It isn’t about “getting it.” How scary.

This time, though, I am thinking….I didn’t do anything wrong. I did what I could, however awesome or lame, and nothing about that meant god punished me by “letting” me get drunk. I got drunk because it’s my nature. I had some very good non-judgmental support, acquired in my new town, and it made a big difference in my ability to accept I made a mistake, it’s not ok, but I am ok, and would be best served by moving forward.  As opposed to a morass of self-hatred-let-it-ruin-my-life-for-months deal.

Oh, and I’m not going to try to figure out why I went left instead of right.  That’s just what happened, and I know what I oughtta do and what I ought not do.

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Written by xty

June 6, 2010 at 07:24

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