10.20.09

eventual recovery

with 2 comments

“Time is not a tool” is an often quoted AA saying, one I agree with strongly — but it is also true that the last thirty days of my life are substantively different than the first thirty days of my sobriety.  My thought being that while long term sobriety is not a benchmark of mental or spiritual health, the point is to get and stay sober, not get sober over and over and over again — time is not a tool, but it should not be dismissed either.  Its a bit of a paradox, I guess.

via Mr. SponsorPants: it makes me optimistic for their eventual recovery.

Here’s the deal: I have been “in and out” a whole lot, which means that I have been in and out a whole lot . While this particular feature of my self has had an impact on my external life, far more important and more difficult to….let’s say “apprehend,” is its life in me.   It won’t stop being true no matter how long I stay sober.  As opined above and elsewhere, it doesn’t matter if one has 8 years or two weeks sober, in terms of validity of sobriety, ability to be of value, likelihood to get drunk….and yet, it does. It so very does.

Sponsor R pointed out to me (I paraphrase) that the alcoholic part of us and our thinking is not bolted on to our heads as an optional accessory,  but is a part of our conscious and unconscious self as much as gender or race. It informs everything, even when it doesn’t.

A challenge for me has been to come to respect myself in spite of my background, in spite of how endlessly I’ve surrendered only to un-surrender.  I’ve never been able to truly internalize the idea that I have nothing to be ashamed of and I am  not faulty or “a freak among freaks,”  stigmatized, an object lesson.

After having years of freedom from drugs and alcohol as well, the hopeless relapser feeling joins a faithful certitude in a strange blend of capable inadequacy.

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Written by xty

May 2, 2010 at 16:38

2 Responses

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  1. No need to make a mountain out of a molehill – unless you want to do that.
    If you need to quit drinking, you do just that. There is no workaround for that. No drama is needed either – unles you want to be dramatic.
    It is that simple.
    AA/12 step is not a simple program. It is full of unnecessary drama; full of unnecessary self blame and shame. You made a mistake: you decided that getting drunk was a good idea. Correct that mistake and live a regular life. You will become a “normie”; you will stop being a “freak”.

    tintop

    May 3, 2010 at 08:48

  2. God knows (just a figure of speech, I assure you) if it were just that simple…You wake up one morning and say, “Gee, I’m just not going to get drunk anymore…or overeat anymore…or have indiscriminate sex anymore…or take too many Oxys anymore.”
    Wouldn’t life be grand???
    Sadly it doesn’t work that way, especially if you’re one of us who have well-defined brain chemistry deficiencies that make us addicted to ANYTHING THAT MAKES US FEEL GOOD.
    I do think there are probably two varieties of addicts, however…There are those physiologically predisposed, and those who become psychologically addicted, like the person that takes an OTC sleeping pill every night and eventually can’t get to sleep without it…Similarly, people get to where they associate drinking or doing recreational drugs with certain events, like partying in college, but then they decide it’s time to grow-up, or get serious, or whatever (trust me, I neither understand nor relate to this), and then just lead productive lives having a glass of wine with dinner…Go figure…
    Bottom line. physiological addicts abuse substances because their body requires it…Psychological addicts abuse substances because they’re what – weak or stupid?…I don’t know, you tell me…

    Sponsor R

    May 3, 2010 at 13:21


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