10.20.09

Archive for May 2010

I drank.

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I drank. For a few days, last week. I’m sober now, and kinda pretty much ok. More later. Just checking in, as I am sure all both my loyal readers have been waiting with bated breath. Uh oh..will I change the blog name? Hm. I’m thinking no….

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eventual recovery

with 2 comments

“Time is not a tool” is an often quoted AA saying, one I agree with strongly — but it is also true that the last thirty days of my life are substantively different than the first thirty days of my sobriety.  My thought being that while long term sobriety is not a benchmark of mental or spiritual health, the point is to get and stay sober, not get sober over and over and over again — time is not a tool, but it should not be dismissed either.  Its a bit of a paradox, I guess.

via Mr. SponsorPants: it makes me optimistic for their eventual recovery.

Here’s the deal: I have been “in and out” a whole lot, which means that I have been in and out a whole lot . While this particular feature of my self has had an impact on my external life, far more important and more difficult to….let’s say “apprehend,” is its life in me.   It won’t stop being true no matter how long I stay sober.  As opined above and elsewhere, it doesn’t matter if one has 8 years or two weeks sober, in terms of validity of sobriety, ability to be of value, likelihood to get drunk….and yet, it does. It so very does.

Sponsor R pointed out to me (I paraphrase) that the alcoholic part of us and our thinking is not bolted on to our heads as an optional accessory,  but is a part of our conscious and unconscious self as much as gender or race. It informs everything, even when it doesn’t.

A challenge for me has been to come to respect myself in spite of my background, in spite of how endlessly I’ve surrendered only to un-surrender.  I’ve never been able to truly internalize the idea that I have nothing to be ashamed of and I am  not faulty or “a freak among freaks,”  stigmatized, an object lesson.

After having years of freedom from drugs and alcohol as well, the hopeless relapser feeling joins a faithful certitude in a strange blend of capable inadequacy.

Written by xty

May 2, 2010 at 16:38