10.20.09

Archive for April 2010

mornings

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My morning time thought life is unfortunate and difficult to control. I’m at a place where my approach is to try interrupting it, but also to relax about the phenomenon and know that its severity goes in and out like seasons.

The specific intrusive thoughts concern memories and/ or resentments. Mostly stream-of-consciousness memories. I certainly have plenty of those.

I considered giving a gory example but decided not to bum everybody out. I also considered writing to some sort of conclusion on the topic, but there isn’t one, it simply is, so I’ll just stop writing.

Written by xty

April 29, 2010 at 12:24

Posted in thinking

the doctor’s opinion

with 4 comments

I re-read “the Dr’s opinion” just now per sponsor S directions. The passage that always blows my mind was still there, of course (“They are restless, irritable, and discontent….and unless [they] can experience an entire psychic change there is little hope of recovery”). What I took special notice of for the first time was where Dr. Silkworth first mentions Bill, “a hopeless patient,” who “acquired certain ideas regarding” his recovery, and “as part of his rehabilitation he comnmenced to present his conceptions to other alcoholics, impressing upon them that they must do likewise with other alcoholics. This has become the basis of a rapidly growing fellowship….”

My thinking fell to the bible-study tactic, also used fairly often in 12 step land: “it does NOT say he filled notebooks with his resentments and fears and self-beratement for months on end….” “it does NOT say he went to 90 meetings in 90 days not speaking or was shunned….” and “it does NOT say he waited a year or two before he asked permission to be able to help others…”

(Yeah, I get on my own nerves sometimes.) I also exaggerate and love to push boundaries playing devil’s advocate….. I think I may have irked sponsor S yesterday as a discussion led to to the order in which Big Book Step Study procedure, well, proceeds, which, as the steps do, leads up to and end with step 12. “Because that comes after all the other stuff, right?” Well, yes and no. Bill didn’t do that; I think any old old-timers would shake their heads at sobriety requirements for taking meetings to detoxes or even making coffee, and protracted step-a-year methods. Her point was that one must have something to share something; Granted, but how much something? Mustard seed? Sweet little residential organic garden with cute koi pond? Redwood forest?

I get a lot more out of the detox meeting where i was once a client than analyzing and rehashing my relationships and history over and over. And I am certain my presence and words are far more relevant there than in yet another notebook. Just sayin’.

Written by xty

April 19, 2010 at 19:27

Posted in the big book

dead air

with 2 comments

I’m working again, an hour drive from the house….and the result, when combined with either a run or a meeting or both, is that I don’t really do much else. Really – I am a very non-multi-activity kinda girl. I’m happy and sober and there you go.

Written by xty

April 14, 2010 at 15:57