10.20.09

drunk lady in AA meeting

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There’s a woman who’s been coming to meetings drunk. This is hardly scandalous; I mention it because it seldom happens. It really is incredibly rare in the AA that I have experienced. Well I take that back – intoxicated people at meetings might not be too rare, I actually do not know, but vocal, obvious ones are.

I mention it too because it causes so many reactions in me. I remember when I was sober before and would be approached by panhandlers who were really messed up. They upset me and I wanted them to go away, and could be somewhat hostile if they were persistent or obnoxious. (I don’t know what my reaction is now because I haven’t been approached by a fucked up homeless person in a long time.) Drunk people provoke dread and anxiety in me. I don’t think that’s a weird reaction, I guess it should make sense that drunk people would upset me. But I’m still surprised. One would think I would barely notice them, that it is the most natural thing on earth to be around. It makes my skin crawl.

I am also – this amuses me – amazed that she seems to think no one knows. I mean,maybe she knows or supposes, but what she says doesn’t seem that way. She carries on like she’s sober and aims to stay that way. There are definitely times I “got away with it,” but not when it mattered, and certainly not around family or other alcohilics.

What disturbs me must be the reflection of myself. I do not want to look at what I have been for so, so much of my life. It makes me sad and angry and embarrased. And grateful as all hell. I’m praying for her; I’m praying for me, I’m praying for all of us.

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Written by xty

March 7, 2010 at 19:25

Posted in gratitude, meetings

Tagged with ,

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