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I must be constantly careful of finding my thoughts standing on the stage in my head, talking about footwork and results, but surrounded by attitudes regarding reward and punishment.

via Mr. SponsorPants: Alcoholic Thinking .

Your life depends on this program….It might be suicidal to disagree with any part of it, so resolve to be open-minded and accept the Twelve Steps in their entirety.

via The Little Red Book .

Yep, I sure do need some supernatural miracle-wielding intervention. What I’m currently working out with my writing and conversations – with no small measure of embarrassment, as I have been reprimanded in AA regularly since the mid-90s for my thought-life – is my bafflement with my impression I must either just up and have different attitudes and beliefs or I’m suicidal.  (Or, scarier-ier, I’m incapable of being honest or following God’s will.) I want to take the Program at its word that it’s all suggestions, but then I hear an oldtimer, to much knowing laughter, state at meetings regularly that “it is also suggested that you open your parachute when you jump out of an airplane.”  Gaslighting offends me, especially when my life is at stake.

The Big Deal is….drum roll….my deep beliefs and attitudes vs. my willingness, conscious credulity, and 12 step training are the irresistable force meeting the immovable object. (Can I get a big “Lack of power, that was our dilemma!” Everybody now!)  I’ve been at this a long-ass time, every version of effort and grace has happened, and I can’t change my thinking with my thinking. And I want an answer – am I a textbook bratty alcoholic who can’t just deal, or am I right – fundamentalist AA might just kill me?  (The answer, of course, is yes.)


Written by xty

March 2, 2010 at 12:00

Posted in thinking

Tagged with , ,

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