email to R 2.23.10

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Yesterday I spontaneously dug around quite a bit on the interwebs reading “subversive” literature, alternative to 12 step stuff, and have re-read the small book recently.

This is good to see other folks articulate some of the aspects of aa and its hard to avoid received notions that cause me trouble – I’m not crazy.

Having looked at it, I see petulant resentment, misrepresentation, intelligent observation, sensible extension, the whole gamut. The Orange Papers to SMART Recovery.

Once again I reach the conclusion that “It’s all true,” and, that I’m on the right track. That like everyone, I am unique. So like you describe, the two-pronged plan is where it’s at for me, to specifically repair my life and spend the second half truly alive. The 12 step model and “thoroughly following the path” are something I believe in, and there is some conflict there (it occurred to me it’s possible that I haven’t taken the first step completely yet, that’s why the troubles, then I thought that is utter bullshit I am step one incarnate let’s move along here folks there is no perfect quantifiable step metric for me to worry about right now) and that’s okay. The conflict is about what thoroughly following the path ends up looking like for me. The AA program doesn’t exactly fit, and some of it is counterproductive or even bad for me, it really is not one-size-fits-all. But everything about it would have one believe it is. So how can I believe in something and not follow it? I’d like to join the Catholic church, but I can’t and won’t because I don’t believe being gay is a sin. There’s gay folks in the Catholic church; I won’t be one of them. At least not right now.

The tools on the SMART recovery page are good stuff; I’m familiar with the ideas, and got a lot out of randomly reviewing some stuff on that site. Coupled with the support of AA other outside ideas and systems, like, for example, Buddhism, RBT, running, medication, it could work.

At least when I’m feeling pretty good and I’m thinking and all this cerebral self analysis seems profitable and I can have some hope that “things” will be “better” soon. No problem. But, I do not always have control of my faculties, eh? I get pretty black, and have impulsively drank enough to never think “I got this thing” again.


Written by xty

February 25, 2010 at 17:22

Posted in epistles

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