10.20.09

telephone

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The telephone haunts me. I’m supposed to call people, build relationships, not feel alone, have some contact, be known, and in general be a social animal.
I called three people outside of meeting context last week, “just to say hey.” That’s really about all I did. One of them was my sponsor, talked to him a couple of times. It was hard. I thought about it when I was running: “Hey! I’ll call X later!” only to put it off once I had the chance but wasn’t in running happyland, or promised myself the night before I’d make a call on my lunchbreak….

It starts with me not wanting to call someone and “bum them out” or complain, or hear platitudes, or be told to go to a meeting because, well, see below. So I think “I don’t have to talk about that, just make the call!” Then I make a pointless phone call and feel a little better for a second but I haven’t built much. They say this is simple, not easy, but easier is easier and I don’t think it is a bad thing to admit something is hard sometimes. Or, in this case, all the time.

And this whole thing would be easier if I were more extroverted. I wouldn’t think anything at all before calling someone! What would that be like? Know what, I might just try to be that way and bypass my brain. Because, does it really matter what I think?

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Written by xty

August 10, 2009 at 16:46

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