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Said to me by a therapist once: ‘AA is hell for an introvert.” I’ve thought about that remark almost as many times as I’ve wondered if I will ever look forward to meetings. Well, there is one meeting I am neutral to posi-neutral about, and I don’t even mind arriving early or hanging around after. So that’s good. But for the most part, I don’t want to go, I dread it, can’t wait for them to end, leave immediately – or stay home or do something else and feel guilty.

I am splitting the difference these days, allowing 3-5 a week to be okay. It was easy for me to stop altogether years ago when I dribbled down to one every week or two, then one a month, then…none. I made it years after that without drinking, but I did drink again. Of course, I can walk out of Serenity Service tonight and over to Burgermeister’s for a beer just as easily. I think of meetings as a spiritual act, and a cumulative act as well. I know I can’t not go. It’s just fucking hard to sometimes.

I don’t have to like them, and I am fortunate enough to not have too much in my life that is a hardship, which means I am not flying around all resentful all the time. Which means my resentment level about meetings is really really low, if at all. Just a preference. Or a non-preference, I guess. Of course, there are days I wouldn’t even see anyone else, forget about talking to them, if I didn’t show up at a meeting. I hope my relationship with this part of recovery gets easier, because I know it works. When I came back from drinking for 2 years, the same folks were sitting in those meetings as had been before, with that many more years sober.

Written by xty

August 5, 2009 at 15:32

Posted in meetings

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