10.20.09

Archive for August 2009

treatment center

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It’s good to not be in a detox or treatment center

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Written by xty

August 19, 2009 at 10:03

Posted in gratitude

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upset

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I get upset very easily. I’m smart enough to have foresight to manage a lot of things, like, planning so I don’t find myself running late, but I can’t control everything. Stuff can just wig me out. People I don’t even know remind me to breathe. Or to smile. This upsets me further! (I’m smiling now, at this. Even though I’m monstrously late for something because I’m waiting on someone else.)

Written by xty

August 15, 2009 at 05:39

Posted in in no category

telephone

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The telephone haunts me. I’m supposed to call people, build relationships, not feel alone, have some contact, be known, and in general be a social animal.
I called three people outside of meeting context last week, “just to say hey.” That’s really about all I did. One of them was my sponsor, talked to him a couple of times. It was hard. I thought about it when I was running: “Hey! I’ll call X later!” only to put it off once I had the chance but wasn’t in running happyland, or promised myself the night before I’d make a call on my lunchbreak….

It starts with me not wanting to call someone and “bum them out” or complain, or hear platitudes, or be told to go to a meeting because, well, see below. So I think “I don’t have to talk about that, just make the call!” Then I make a pointless phone call and feel a little better for a second but I haven’t built much. They say this is simple, not easy, but easier is easier and I don’t think it is a bad thing to admit something is hard sometimes. Or, in this case, all the time.

And this whole thing would be easier if I were more extroverted. I wouldn’t think anything at all before calling someone! What would that be like? Know what, I might just try to be that way and bypass my brain. Because, does it really matter what I think?

Written by xty

August 10, 2009 at 16:46

going to bed sober

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I’m not keeping score today. Today I will go to bed sober, having petted my cat, talked to a couple of friends on the phone, gone to the gym and work. None of it was super or horrible, but I met it all and did the best I could. I’m a little bored and a little lonely and okay with that too. It’s another Just For Today day.

Written by xty

August 6, 2009 at 17:06

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meetings

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Said to me by a therapist once: ‘AA is hell for an introvert.” I’ve thought about that remark almost as many times as I’ve wondered if I will ever look forward to meetings. Well, there is one meeting I am neutral to posi-neutral about, and I don’t even mind arriving early or hanging around after. So that’s good. But for the most part, I don’t want to go, I dread it, can’t wait for them to end, leave immediately – or stay home or do something else and feel guilty.

I am splitting the difference these days, allowing 3-5 a week to be okay. It was easy for me to stop altogether years ago when I dribbled down to one every week or two, then one a month, then…none. I made it years after that without drinking, but I did drink again. Of course, I can walk out of Serenity Service tonight and over to Burgermeister’s for a beer just as easily. I think of meetings as a spiritual act, and a cumulative act as well. I know I can’t not go. It’s just fucking hard to sometimes.

I don’t have to like them, and I am fortunate enough to not have too much in my life that is a hardship, which means I am not flying around all resentful all the time. Which means my resentment level about meetings is really really low, if at all. Just a preference. Or a non-preference, I guess. Of course, there are days I wouldn’t even see anyone else, forget about talking to them, if I didn’t show up at a meeting. I hope my relationship with this part of recovery gets easier, because I know it works. When I came back from drinking for 2 years, the same folks were sitting in those meetings as had been before, with that many more years sober.

Written by xty

August 5, 2009 at 15:32

Posted in meetings

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