10.20.09

Archive for July 2009

6 and 7

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So, I did my 5th step on Saturday. Took about an hour and a half. It was, like my drinking life, the same thing over and over. Now I have that off my mind but replaced with the new thoughts about steps 6 and 7.
I have a list of Fears that drive all the “defects of character” -which I think a Horrible Name that I place with “things I need to work on” – the Things I Need to Work on, in a nascent form that needs to be teased out of the paragraphs of regret, and some People I owe Acts, Words and or Money to.
Steps 6 and 7 are about becoming willing to let go of what Buddhists may refer to as “unskillful” behavior, basically thought-life, interpersonal, and ethical style habits which are so well grooved they stand between me now and a lifetime of sobriety if unaddressed.
Good thing God is supposed to fix it all, once I become willing. I think God might even help with the becoming willing part, ofr while it may seem one would be ready to be all changed and shit, it is pretty unnerving. Changed to what? A selfless, grateful person? How? Where to start? Here.

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Written by xty

July 27, 2009 at 13:38

Posted in the steps

upcoming fifth step

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I’m doing my fifth step on Saturday. I’m not feeling too strongly any given way about it. It will be good to get it done – the writing was the “hard part” although I spaced it out enough that it never got me too ruffled or sad or strung out. There’s not too much to say about it, now that I think about it.
I’ve made myself go to meetings a little better the past few days, but it is just so damn easy not to. This is all a lot of making myself do stuff. I’m doing okay at it. I’ll talk about not liking meetings (if only they were 45 minutes!) in a later post. Right now I’m just making myself write this in keeping with this week’s recovery by rote routine…..

Written by xty

July 21, 2009 at 10:52

Posted in rote, the steps

Tagged with

I’m a festival, I’m a parade

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Post title taken from a song by the National, the lyrics of which sum up the hubris of alcoholism for me in a poignantly self-effacing way. Recovery is about humility, according to the conventional wisdom and the wisdom and continued remark of Bill W. over the years. But this is a lifelong undertaking, if the achievement of humility can even come by one’s effort, and not by the grace of circumstance and willingness to allow both erosion and growth.

I’m put together beautifully
Big wet bottle in my fist, big wet rose in my teeth
I’m perfect piece of ass
Like every Californian
So tall I take over the street, with highbeams shining on my back
A wingspan unbelievable
I’m a festival, I’m a parade

And all the wine is all for me
And all the wine is all for me
And all the wine is all for me

I’m a birthday candle in a circle of black girls
God is on my side
Cuz I’m the child bride
I’m so sorry but the motorcade will have to go around me this time
Cuz God is on my side
And I’m the child bride

And all the wine is all for me
And all the wine is all for me
And all the wine is all for me

Written by xty

July 12, 2009 at 14:07

Posted in in no category

craving The National

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“Once ruined, baby, you stay ruined” – The National, John’s Star

Listening to The National creates the desire to drink in me. I’m wondering how detailed to get here, and deciding to drop that so I don’t want a gin and tonic. It is, after all, Sunday morning, more perfect for drinking than Saturday night in my mind. Cravings can color a whole day or just slip in and out of a second like a mean but sexy cat, dancing.

I discovered the band while perusing pitchfork at a bar/restaurant in P-Town, overlooking the water and awaiting my new girlfriend, whom I’d met while enjoying my first beer in over 6 years the night before. (And she was, immediately, my girlfriend.) So, they are colored by that and having been a 2 year soundtrack to drinking. Even though I played them when I wasn’t actively imbibing, drinking was part of who I was during those years. Another recently discovered band, Rock Plaza Central, has no associations for me and I can be totally present listening to them.

There is no other music like The National, quintessentially 21st century and American, charismatic and not a little alcohol soaked. They are fucking cool and great; c’mon, their website is called American Mary, how cool is that?

My choice, then, of late, has been to listen to them selectively and not allow my mind to feed any alcohol leanings and see how it feels. So many of my favorite lyrics, I crave that too. Maybe I can rebuild this relationship. Yet I realize they may be ruined for me, just like gin and tonic, something else to miss sometimes, but for a greater good.

Written by xty

July 12, 2009 at 10:07

Posted in cats dancing

Tagged with

the first post

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I saw an itty itty bitty ziploc baggie on the ground while running downtown this morning, and was reminded of pipe screens. My mind placed pipe screens in it. That was all.
I had been thinking about starting this blog while running, about how I have other blogs that I don’t want to “sully” with recovery as it would change their tenors and (non)purposes, and anonymity is something I believe in, and this seems to warrant its own space. Plus my friend Jen suggested it in response to a direct question and Jen’s cool and smart plus I try to take suggestions when I ask for them these days. What the hell, right?

Written by xty

July 12, 2009 at 09:51